that smile of mine

Every now and then, I'll go downstairs to the playground, sit on the swing, and just stay there looking at the bright little stars in the clear night sky.

And I'll sing songs that come into my mind. Any song.

Somehow, I feel really peaceful and happy whenever I do that.

Then again, everytime I think about this, I'll feel weird. Because I'm someone who really likes the company of others, someone who enjoys being in the centre of attraction. Somehow, being alone doesn't really seem to be what I really am. This leads me to think what type of person I really am.

One of my friends just told me he has been really happy these past few weeks. He had been shopping and buying stuff all this time, well it's the Great Singapore Sale after all! I can really make out the pure joy in his voice(or words), and I really really felt happy for him too. When people around me are happy, it made my day too. I never liked to see others depressed or upset, because then I'll do my utmost to cheer them up.

In the dead of the night, I'm alone in my room listening to music and chatting with friends. Strangely enough, I feel quite peaceful and contented, just doing all these things. Sometimes I think I really have a very simple definition of how happiness should be like. Myself, I always feel happy at the slightest opportunity. Maybe it's my optimism, maybe it's what I really am, and maybe it's because of my wonderful friends.

"Sometimes, it's just because I want to see your smile. And after that, nothing else will matter anymore."

It was then that I decided, that I wanted to be someone significant. Not significant in society, neither to be someone who really stands out. Significant as in, I know that I've made someone smile today; that I know I've made someone who was upset or depressed feel better. It doesn't matter if they remember, because at the end of the day I know I've done something I should have done.

Because sometimes, it's the little details in life that counts doesn't it?

Someone once asked me, why could I be so easily contented, and why I always seemed to be able to keep on smiling. That same person was a depressed soul. He felt that his whole life was in shambles, that somehow he just lived for the sake of living. I asked him about his friends, his family, his education. To those, he gave the same depressed replies.

I told him that I used to be like him, that I was once a sad, pitiful boy probably doomed to grow up into the same ill-fated person. Then, I remembered I always told myself that it isn't the worst yet. I'm relieved that I had so much faith then, and I'm glad that I still hold that much faith even now when I need it sometimes to get through. Quite ironic for someone who doesn't really believe in God though. You can say it's my own personal belief that everything will somehow turn out the way I want it to be.

Someday, we just have to wait.

I used to yearn for love too. After all, love's the best thing in the world isn't it? Go watch Sex and the City! I remembered I always envied those couples I see on the train or the bus, holding hands and hugging each other. I remembered I always cried my heart out when I watch those drama episodes where love is so highly preached. I remembered I used to dream and fantasize about having someone who will be there for me, and whom I can be there for.

Don't laugh, especially about the drama part. I'm sure you all cry when you watch soap operas!

Somehow, now I feel a bit different. I still fantasize and dream, I still feel the want of having someone to hold me and tell me that he loves me. But I know now, because I'm not alone anymore, that I have friends who I can live for as well, that I can avoid feeling lonely during those dark and cold nights. Because to me, my friends are part of my everything.

And even now, the haunting silence and emptiness of the night doesn't reach me the way it used to do. Because I know, after the night passes by, the sun will start to rise and a new day, another chapter in my life will start to start.





I used to want the whole world to see me the way I wanted them to see. But now I just want myself to see the way that I really want to be.